If even you ever figured out why, despite everyone thinking you should, you still remain single, this might actually make sense. The truth is, the pressure of our previous experiences childhood dynamics, heartache, unresolved fears often leave invisible scabs that bleed into our connections with others
According to Dr. John Gottman, romantic love happens in three natural phases: falling in love, developing trust and creating commitment. The first stage sometimes called limerence is one filled with a powerful infatuation and a rush of “in love” hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine. Though this phase can feel euphoric, it is also a time when judgment is often clouded and red flags are ignored. It is in the phase when relationships progress towards building trust that the real work starts. Couples here are met with the critical question: “Will you be there for me?” (And if both partners are willing to listen to each other and embody empathy, acting in each other’s best interest, then this stage is where trust becomes cemented.)
What if you never get past limerence or have a difficult time building trust? Unresolved fears and patterns can and will hold you back, according to Dr. Gottman. For example, if you’ve been traumatized, be it “big T” events like abuse or “little t” stressors like chronic rejection, during conflicts your brain may automatically revert to survival modes like fight, flight or freeze. These responses can put up walls to intimacy, causing you to feel distant or to thwart actual relationships.
Trauma doesn’t only affect your reactions it can influence your beliefs about love, too. “Experiencing relationship trauma or having a dysfunctional family history that you haven’t dealt with can shape your beliefs about relationships in negative ways,” says Psychology Today. That can result in hard, negative beliefs such as I can’t trust anyone or I’m unlovable which subsequently inhibits the ability to create real connection. Even worse, these beliefs can propel you into relationships with unhealthy partners who validate those fears, and you will find yourself trapped in a cycle of disappointment.
Attachment styles learned in childhood have an impact as well. If your caregivers were inconsistent or distant or abusive, you may end up with maladaptive patterns, such as: anxiety attachment (i.e., clinginess and fear of abandonment) or avoidant attachment (i.e., fear of intimacy and emotional withdrawal). These styles become compounded in adult relationships, causing difficulty with trust and vulnerability.
The good news is, not all of our relationship barriers are trauma or attachment related. Many make a conscious decision to stay single in order to pursue career, independence or personal growth. According to a 2017 study in the personality and individual differences category, reasons for remaining single vary, from a desire for freedom to a fear of emotional vulnerability. While those options can be empowering, they might also obscure more hidden fears of rejection or intimacy.
So what can you do if you want to break these patterns and open yourself to love? Dr. Hennessy recommends beginning with self-awareness: Notice patterns in relationships and the beliefs you may have about yourself, such as ‘I’m unlovable’ or ‘People can’t be trusted. From there, grounding techniques such as breathing exercises or sensory-based practices can help maintain presence during moments of fear or emotional flooding. Therapy, especially trauma-informed therapy, can also be life-changing, providing a protected space to process and heal from the past.
For anyone with the challenge of trust and vulnerability in their relationship, Dr. Gottman’s acronym “ATTUNE” provides a blueprint: Awareness of your partner’s suffering; Tolerance for different opinions; Turning Toward their needs; Understanding; Non-defensive listening; Empathy. Even these practices can lay the groundwork for trust and emotional safety, which can lead to deeper relationships.
At its core, realizing why you are single, isn’t about blaming yourself or others for your current lapse in love it’s about shining a light on the habits that hold you back and making a commitment to change them. Whether it’s healing past trauma, reassessing your attachment style, or just making dating a priority in 2023, every small effort gets you closer to the love you want. In the words of Maya Angelou, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” It’s possible to heal and for there to be the joy of a truly connected relationship.
If you’re ready to do something more, keep in mind therapy as an option, joining a support group, or just being open to have new experiences. After all, finding the right person means nothing without also becoming the right person that you’re ready to share your life with, that will love you for exactly who you are.
