“Hey, I screamed at you earlier. That probably felt scary. Also, It’s never your fault when I yell and I’m working on staying calmer so even when I’m frustrated, I can use a calmer voice. I’m sorry.” These words, spoken by the child psychologist Becky Kennedy on the Tim Ferriss podcast, sum up a tool of parenting that is as easy as it is transformative: repair.
We’ve all been there: frustration building, patience level dropping, and finally, the outburst. Perhaps it’s the chaos of a mad-dash morning or the anxiety of managing work and parenthood. Whatever the trigger, yelling occurs. And while it’s common to feel guilt or shame afterward, experts say what you do next is much more important than the moment itself.
After losing your cool, repairing the relationship is not just about saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about taking responsibility, validating your child’s feelings and modeling emotional intelligence. What Kennedy says, “I’m giving my kid a story to understand what happened, and I’m talking about what I would do differently the next time.”
Why is this so important? Because children lack the life experience to understand a parent’s anger as transient. Instead, they often take it personally and feel like they’re the problem. Accommodating a child’s needs in this way, according to psychologist Emily Edlynn, writing in Psychology Today, can foster anxiety as well as a cycle of shame for both parent and child. Repair breaks this cycle, reassuring your child that your love is without conditions even when you’re angry.
So what does repair look like in practice? Start with an apology. Describe what you did and take responsibility for your actions without blaming your child. For instance, I yelled earlier because I was frustrated, but that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry. This type of apology, according to Nurtured First, teaches kids about accountability, empathy and problem-solving life skills that will take them far beyond childhood.
But repair is not limited to words. Actions matter, too. Try hugging, doing things together, or playing to re-establish connection. And if your child wants to discuss their feelings, listen without interrupting or getting defensive. This shows the validation of their emotions and builds trust.
This latter aspect of taking responsibility for your emotions, is another critical area to address. Kennedy recommends that parents verbalize their feelings in the moment: “Hey, I’m frustrated. I’m taking a breath, I’ll be back.” This not only models healthy emotional regulation; it also helps kids realize they are not responsible for your feelings.
Repair should be right, but it’s not just in addressing the damage of the outburst. It’s about creating trust and emotional safety over time. I’m most proud of the moments that I could catch myself and [remember], ‘You’ve got to be the adult in this room,’ even when it was really hard to be.
And apologizing has deep long-term rewards. It also shows kids that it is OK to make mistakes and that mending relationships is a strength, not a weakness. Being wrong is not the same as being weak. Asking for forgiveness is a sign of bravery.
Repair fosters connection, perhaps most importantly. When we ‘go back’ and layer on our connection, validation, and empathy onto moments that felt scary and alone…we change the memory. We really do. This transforms pockets of disconnection into chances for deeper understanding and love.
If you’re concerned that apologizing could diminish your authority, reconsider. Laura Markham, Ph. D., author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, offers parents comfort: Apologizing doesn’t mean you don’t correct your child when necessary. It takes courage to admit you were wrong, but it makes you a better parent and raises healthier children.
Repair doesn’t come from righting a wrong, but from human fallibility. Those imperfect parenting moments become gifts as our children take in our striving to figure out what didn’t go as intended, and how we can do better next time.
So, the next time you lose your cool, just remember: it’s not the yelling that defines your parenting it’s how you repair. And in those moments of frailty, you’re showing your child one of the dearest lessons in life: how to love and forgive, flaws and all.
