Kids always know more than we give them credit for. It’s a lesson that Dr. Jody Thomas, a pediatric health psychologist, has learned over decades of working with medically fragile children. “Hiding things from them is almost always futile and can do some real damage,” she explains. This insight illuminates the delicate dance parents do between honesty and protection a high-wire act that can be particularly challenging when things get heavy.
Take the tradition of Santa Claus, for instance. For lots of families, Santa is magic and wonder, a happy fantasy that illuminates the winter holiday season. But for some parents, maintaining a myth even one as charming as Santa’s raises questions of honesty. They fear that when the truth is revealed, it will feel more like a betrayal. Others contend that Santa is not about lying, but about encouraging imagination and wonder. Research shows that kids often read lies told for their own good what psychologists call “prosocial lying” as benevolent rather than harmful.
But the effects of lie even compassionate ones can have ramifications well beyond the holiday season. Research shows that parenting by lying for example, saying If you don’t behave, Santa won’t bring presents is widespread across cultures. In a 2013 study, 84% of American parents and 98% of Chinese parents reported lying to influence their children’s behavior. But even though these white lies may seem benign, studies indicate they can threaten trust and even promote lying in children as they get older.
For tougher subjects like illness, family dysfunction or even death the stakes are even higher. Parents are often stuck between wanting to protect their kids from the realities of the world or offering them the truth in an developmentally appropriate manner. Families who are displaced by wildfires, for instance, may choose to describe their evacuation as an adventure to shield their children from the trauma of losing their home.
But experts urge against shying away from difficult conversations altogether. Unless children are provided with clear, truthful information, they often fill in the gaps with their own narratives, which may not be completely accurate and may be even scarier. “Anything that is mentionable is manageable,” Fred Rogers once said, a sentiment echoed by psychologists similar to Dr. Thomas, who believe that candid conversation can help children grapple with and deal with harsh realities.
One promising path is to allow kids to initiate conversations. When children ask difficult questions, one option is starting with, “What do you know about that?” said Dr. Omar Gudiño, deputy clinical director at Child Mind Institute. or “Why do you ask?” This strategy allows parents to gauge their own child’s real concerns, instead of berating them with explanations that may send them into a panic.
Pretend play can be a powerful tool for younger kids. So talking about Santa can become a fun game instead of an absolute truth. Pretend play is developmentally normal for small children, and they frequently mix fantasy with reality in useful ways. But with older kids, experts say, it’s important to honor their increased autonomy by being more forthcoming.
If the truth seems too burdensome, parents can feed bits of it, or postpone an explanation until they’ve primed themselves better. I want to make sure I do a good job of answering. Let me think about it and get back to you. This gives you a moment to breathe and lets the child know that their questions are important.
The end goal, after all, isn’t to be completely honest at all times it’s to be intentional about being honest. Whether explaining that a loved one is sick or addressing societal problems like racial profiling, parents can attempt to provide developmentally appropriate information while also trying to create a sense of safety and trust.
One useful strategy for addressing discomfort with immediate and controversial topics is the question jar method, where kids write down their questions anonymously and parents answer them in family meetings. Dr. Gudiño commends this method for beginning with what children are already interested in, instead of inundating them with unsolicited lectures.
Parenting isn’t about doing it right it is about being genuine and coming to the experience, even when you don’t have all the answers. As Dr. Abdullah wisely notes, “The series of lies or truths we tell during their formative years can shape our expectations of one another, building a foundation of trust and reliability.”
Whether figuring out how to address the Santa Claus conundrum or exploring the heavier realities of life, the magic is in a healthy mix of truth and compassion. Parents can lead by example by modeling vulnerability, acknowledging gaps in their own knowledge and making room for frank conversation. Because at the end of the day, the most important thing that we can say is: You are safe, you are loved and we will figure this out together.
For more expert advice, read tips for tough conversations with kids, research on parenting by lying, and studies on the consequences of deception.
