Falling in love is like magic, isn’t it? The whirlwind of feelings, the thrill of new discovery, and the hope that this one may be your own forever. But what if that magic wears off? Falling out of love can be bewildering, even heartbreaking, but it’s something many of us go through.
In fact, the reality is that falling out of love is a process that develops over time. It’s most often a gradual breakdown with seemingly inconsequential signs that are all too easy to overlook until it can no longer be dismissed. Maybe you no longer look forward to being with one another, or you’re content when you’re apart. Maybe the things you once adored about them now irritate you, or you find yourself fantasizing about a life sans them.
Michelle Herzog, LMFT, observes that such a shift can also be caused by the loss of curiosity about your partner. And if boredom begins to outnumber excitement, that is a sign that something deep may be amiss.
Relationships do change naturally, and the honeymoon phase those early days of passion and infatuation is not maintainable. Amy Morin, editor in chief of Verywell Mind and a psychotherapist, states, “Couples who get stuck in a rut may feel as though they’ve fallen out of love because they’re bored.” When they were in love with each other, they likely wondered about each other and loved finding new things about their partner and themselves. Years on, the newness wears away.
But boredom is only part of the transgressor. Life’s difficulties financial stress, illness, conflicting schedules create distance. For others, it’s a gradual drift as a result of irreconcilable values or different goals in life.
Then what can you do if you realize you’re falling out of love? First, take a step back and reflect. While it’s easy to become mired in what our partner did or rather, what they didn’t do, we need to proceed on to the part of the equation that we can control: ourselves and what we contributed to the relationship.
If the two of you are committed to working on reviving the relationship, there’s hope. Ignite curiosity once more by resorting to open-ended questions, creating new activities to try together, and reminding one another of those things that originally drew you to each other.
Physical touch can also play a crucial role in reconnecting emotional intimacy. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish mentions the role of gentle touch, “Couples need to touch each other, including 30-second hugs and six-second kisses. These moments of physical connection release the bonding hormone, oxytocin, and also help reduce stress.”
But suppose the love is no longer there? Be gentle with this understanding gentle with your partner and with yourself. To fall out of love doesn’t equate to failure; it is a normal part of evolving.
Letting go with grace involves embracing your feelings, reflecting on what was gained, and leaving space to heal. Don’t romanticize the past—never forget the negative along with the positive.
Ultimately, whether you rebuild or you move on, losing love is an opportunity to grow. It’s an opportunity to discover what you need in a relationship and to open the next chapter with vulnerability and strength.
Love does shift, but the quest to comprehend it has the ability to transform us profoundly. And that, in itself, is something beautiful.
