Try it on: You take a step back from your partner, attempting to convey how much you value their encouragement. You state, “Thanks for everything.” They smile and nod and the moment is lost, as though you hadn’t just encapsulated all that so so so magnificently. A thousand words mean: “I love you more than anything and the fact that you’ve hung in there through all of this means everything.” You are sweeter, and your lover’s smile. That is word magic.
Language is not love language language is tape that holds us together or bullets that splinter us in two. Any sentence old or new will remind us just how much we love ourselves, our sweetheart, and ourselves. As eloquently stated by psychologist Dr. Maika Steinborn, “Effective communication is a dynamic and ongoing practice, one that nurtures trust, understanding, and intimacy within the tapestry of our connections.”
Positive will build words of trust and closeness and build negative or critical words. Being able to say to him or her in a moment of need “I believe in you” is an adrenalin injection into his or her system and a relationship builder. To say to him or her “You never hear me” accuses him or her and has him or her feeling emotionally removed.
It’s not what you say but the way you say it. Where and when you say something, and how you say it, are just as much a part of the message as what you say. Open and honest communication builds trust and rapport, mushy or hard-sell communication builds resentment and confusion, research has established.
But let’s face it—none of us are perfect communicators. We’ve all had moments where our words missed the mark or caused unintended hurt. The good news? Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it can be honed.
Start off as a listener. In other words, listen and don’t wait to speak. Continue to look at your partner when he or she is talking to you, and nod to let him or her know that you are listening to what he or she is saying. Paraphrase what he or she just said to your partner. “So, what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling overwhelmed by work is that right?” If you do that little thing, your partner will notice and treat you nicely.
Among the skills of the change agents is that they possess the skill to transform “you” complaint statements into “I” statements. In complaining to one person for something by grouching in the mode of “I feel upset when dishes are left in the sink” as compared to complaining in the mode of “You never do your own dishes,” less is being blamed upon them and more is being attacked. Less effect is being made, though, but blame is being placed upon them in the second approach.
Timing is of the essence when it comes to a delicate issue. Never spring the anger or frustration of your partner with a big problem. Give them a head start and keep yourself relaxed, and unbuttoned.
And don’t do all of us a disservice and diminish the power of positive affirmations. Small things like “I love you” or “I’m so thankful to you” are emotional deposits into your “relationship bank account.” They put the other in the spotlight center feeling seen and valued when everything is not going just right.
Aye, it doesn’t very often get any better. When you’ve got hard talk to have – aye, vice or money – be as tactful as humanly possible. Get your attitude and your tone, and take a page out of Eugene Therapy: if they’re going to get in at it too, cut bait. Recognizing when things are escalating can help both you and your partner to tone things down before they get out of hand.
Good never to open until scores and have them battle eternally. Inspect and bring back state to its course every time it gets diverted. It keeps the debate at a utilitarian level and resists melodrama.
And finally, keep in mind that love statements are not words need statements are, too. Distill down what you’re needing and why, and never-ever say “You never…” but rather “I feel loved when…” It reconnects partnership and understanding, and converts potential to war into potential for growth.
The bottom line? Words are great relationship builders. Words hurt and heal, kill and bring to life. If you pay attention to how you choose them and how you determine you will use them to talk to each other, you can build your relationship as a sanctuary of faith, intimacy, and respect for each other.
So, the next time you’re about to speak, pause for a moment. Think about the impact your words might have. Because when it comes to love, the right words can make all the difference.
