“I thought we were doing okay, I really did,” Jason admitted when his wife Kendra told him she was unhappy with their fading spark. After 12 years together and three kids, their conversations were a pared-down loop of work, household chores and schedules. Sound familiar? If you’ve ever thought about where all the spark went, you’re not the only one. Relationships develop, and even if the initial rush is gone, the chance to cultivate intimacy and to create romance are within reach of every couple.
The “Protest Polka” that Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and the developer of emotionally focused therapy, describes as a common pattern in relationships, where one partner demands and the other withdraws. This adds an emotional distance between partners, and by extension physical intimacy feels far too removed. But here’s the one silver lining: you can begin breaking this cycle by connecting on an emotional level.
Re-establishing emotional intimacy will provide the basis for reviving physical passion. It’s about establishing a safe space where both sides feel seen, appreciated and welcomed.
So then how do you start to rebuild this connection? Start small. Tell stories of your past, even the humorous ones. Dr. Kerry McBroome recommends dipping our toes into vulnerability with stories that won’t require us to bare our souls immediately.
Trying something new together is another way to rebuild the emotional connection. Shared experiences can spark laughter and ease tension, whether you take a dance class or tackle a new sport together. Studies have found that laughing authentically with your partner can lead to improved well-being in the relationship overall.
Physical touch is yet another way to rekindle intimacy. Even simple gestures holding hands, cuddling, kissing goodbye for a few seconds longer can release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Doubling the amount of time you invest in the this kind of small act of affection will help prime the pump for these deeper forms of physical connection advises Dr. Micheal Stysma.
But let’s address the elephant in the room: sexual frequency. While there’s no “magic number” that applies to everyone, studies show that having sex about once a week is often correlated with the best relationship well-being. Notably, a study by Hicks, McNulty, Meltzer and Olson showed that sexual frequency didn’t always correlate to explicit relationship satisfaction, but did shape implicit attitudes toward one’s partner. And over time, couples who reported having had more sex also developed increasingly positive automatic associations about their relationship.
If the chaos of life has shoved intimacy to the back burner, forward planning can work wonders. Scheduling calendars may not be the most romantic, but it’s a way to make sure you set aside time for each other.
Communication is the underpinnings to the entire equation. Talking candidly about what you want can open up the possibility for a more fulfilling relationship. Dr. Gottman stresses the value of expressing positive needs, such as, I feel like we are more connected when we have sex more frequently, instead of pointing out what’s missing.
For couples who feel emotionally distant, returning to that time earlier in your relationship can be a game changer. Amanda Baquero, a licensed marriage and family therapist, advises using nostalgia to your advantage for Valentine’s Day by going to the place you first met or pulling out old pictures. It’s not to recreate the honeymoon phase; it’s to remind you of why you were falling in love in the first place.
At its core, intimacy is about being there for one another mentally, emotionally and physically. Be it sharing your fears, sharing the same couch holding hands with popcorn in hand watching a movie, or laughing at a failed attempt at pottery, everything matters in small amounts.
They don’t just peel away the layers of societal expectation that so many women (and men) are conditioned to accept, they write a new story, one that is filled with passion and connection. Take small steps with intention and you can change the nature of your relationship to one that’s not just surviving but thriving. So, why not start today?
