You’re sitting across from your partner at dinner, the muted clashing of cutlery filling the silence, and the realization washes over you, you have no idea who they are anymore. That feeling of discontent isn’t unusual in long-term relationships, but being aware of it is the first step to fixing it.
In a study of British couples, 39 percent of men and 36 percent of women named “growing apart” as the top reason for their relationship ending. It’s a silent drift that all too easily creeps up on couples, camouflaged by daily life, work stress or the routine of raising children. But why does it happen, and how do you fix it?
Theres one major factor even you could be worrying about attachment styles. Attachment theory, as described by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, illustrates how attachment with caregivers in infancy affects adult relationships. Secure attachment types flourish in intimacy, but avoidants may avoid closeness, and anxious types may cling a bit too tightly. When partners’ attachment styles don’t match, it’s like attempting to tango with someone performing hip-hop clumsy and infuriating. Knowing what your attachment style is in dating can help you navigate relationship dynamics, so that you can really start to get what you want out of dating.
Stress and life changes also have a significant effect. A new job, moving cities or starting a family can do that; the pileup of responsibilities leaves little time for emotional connection. In a study conducted by University of Minnesota researchers Sarah Flood and Katie Genedek, people reported feeling happier when spending time with their spouse than when apart and in fact were twice as likely to say they feel happy with their spouse as apart. Shared experiences, however small, like cooking dinner together, can bring emotional connection back into the relationship.
So what are the signs that you’re drifting apart? The absence of communication is usually the first sign. Conversations that felt once came easily can now appear like a chore, flowing only with logistical exchanges regarding bills or schedules. If you’re spending more quality time with your barista than your mate, address the disconnect.
A second red flag is a lack of emotional intimacy. Angela Amias, a couples therapist, says that “relationships are living things which means that they need care and attention.” When it’s like pulling teeth to share feelings, it’s an indication that the glue that keeps your relationship together is coming apart.
But it’s not all bad news. We can reconnect, and it must begin with intentionality. “If you are willing to make your relationship better and look at yourself individually and what you need to change — rather than just what your partner needs to change — you can make strides in having a healthier relationship.” says Marcus Hunt, an associate marriage and family therapist.
Non again open and honest communication Express your concerns without blaming your partner. Rather than saying, You’re never around, say, I feel like we aren’t as close as we used to be, and I’d like to find ways to spend more time together. This approach encourages collaboration instead of defensiveness.
Individual therapy can also be transformative; couples therapy can be transformative as well. Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT), for instance, assists couples to rebuild intimacy and empathy. Mozes explained: Therapists recommend engaging in activities together to strengthen bonds, as per the recommendation of Psychology Today. Simply making a list of the hobbies you share together can cause you to experience meaningful experiences collectively.
Never underestimate the influence of fun. In the process, write the therapists Robert Schwarz and Elaine Braff, “people stop engaging in the very activities that brought them together in the first place.” Take a game night, a hike, or a trip down memory lane sometimes, good old-fashioned laughter is all it takes to rekindle a sense of joy and connection.
Physical intimacy also deserves attention. Elyssa Helfer, a certified sexologist, notes, “We cannot expect to maintain connection when we are no longer creating new contexts for emotional and sexual intimacy.” Small gestures like holding hands or cuddling can pave the way for deeper closeness.
Finally, change together. Life throws us curveballs, but dealing with them as a team can fortify your bond. Whether it is in terms of a new career or personal growth, supporting each other during transitions is a sign of commitment and care.
Having grown apart doesn’t have to signal goodbye. And with deliberate effort, honest conversations about your needs in this new phase of life and some shared experiences, you can find the spark that brought you together in the first place. And when sowed with love, relationships are like gardens, grown.
